decisions, decisions.

I have a hard time saying no.

I have this tendency, if someone wants me, to feel that I do (or should) want them in return. This shows up in stark relief at several points in my history – once in an astonishingly brief semi-dating relationship, circa 1998. Then, last month I was approached by an IT hardware/software company who wanted me to contract for a short while and move into full time. What a great opportunity! I should snap it up, right?

I’m great at agonizing. Last night I agonized over whether to order a BLT with soup or a burger with mushrooms plus home fries. (Waiters must hate me.) Then I agonized over what coffee-shop treat to get. (My husband gets impatient with me.) When I’m facing a big decision, the ability to make small ones just flies out the window.

I’m choosing: project variety, consumer-oriented products, public exposure for my work, schedule flexibility, portfolio building, more free time, a less career-oriented future.

I’m passing up: responsibility for and ground-up redesign of an entire IT-oriented software UI, a gain in usability engineering/user-centered design experience, full-time schedule, security, and benefits.

This would probably have turned out very differently if I was a man, a breadwinner, a career goal-oriented type. As it is, perhaps my next full-time, long-term job will be as a mom (someday) …